You Want Me to Talk About What? Five Conversation Starters to Link Emotional and Sexual Connection

“Have you ever had a discussion about what sexuality means to you or what you want your sexual relationship to look like?”  I have asked this question countless times as a couples' therapist, and it might be surprising to find out that I can’t ever remember a couple answering, “yes.”  It doesn’t even occur to most couples to have these types of discussions.  Often, people assume that sexuality will just be intuitive and they shouldn’t have to discuss it.  Others have just never felt safe discussing such a “taboo,” topic and haven’t even considered it.

Our culture is so bombarded with information about sex that it can seem almost counter-intuitive to encourage more conversation about it.  The problem is that the voices and images that scream the loudest contain messages that are completely contrary to the principles for quality monogamous sex.  

There is an emphasis on techniques, toys, and novelty, which in a safe sexual environment can sometimes be used in ways to enhance the relationship, but the reality is that these things will do little to help a couple feel connected in an integrated way.  Sexuality is rich with meaning for people and colored with beliefs, history and experiences.  Far too often, it is associated with earlier trauma and shame.  It is imperative to learn how to talk about it within a couple context.   

        

As a first step in improving physical intimacy, couples can begin dialoguing to understand their partner’s views and meanings about sexuality.  Here are 5 questions to start the conversation:

1.       When I hear the word, “sex,” I…………..

2.      The messages I got about sex growing up were……………

3.      The messages I get about sex now are……………

4.      Something that I think would improve our sexual relationship would be………….

5.      Something that would help me feel safer in our sexual relationship would be…………

If you take the five question challenge, we would love to hear back from you about how it went, if it was beneficial and what you learned.

            

Override Familiarity to Sustain Enjoyment

Enjoyable sex is harder to achieve in a long-term monogamous relationship. Early on, infatuation is still helping fuel the intensity. Over time, the intrigue that drew you together is gradually fades into familiarity. Wanting is replaced by having. As we get more and more accustomed to each other, passion can diminish.

We're experiencing the natural process of habituation, which is defined as "a decrease in the strength of a naturally elicited behavior that occurs through repeated presentations of the eliciting stimulus."

We get used to each other. As Todd Pipes' sang in that old song, "Breakfast at Tiffany's," "I see you, the only one who knew me, but now your eyes see through me."

The same process occurs in many areas of life: We try out a new restaurant instead of our favorite for a change. The song that once gave us goosebumps gets dropped from our playlist in favor of a fresh one. Novelty keeps reminding us we're alive and the world can still be invigorating.

Even though habituation is a natural process, fortunately, lovers who choose lifelong monogamy are not doomed to boredom. The discipline of mindfulness can help us override familiarity. As Marcel Proust said, "Mystery is not about traveling to new places, but looking with new eyes." And, we might add (even though it's not as poetic) smelling with new noses, touching with new fingers, tasting with new tongues. 

Since today's sexual experience feels familiar to the brain, it stops registering what's real now and registers something else in it's place: our former familiar experiences. Yawn, "Here we go again," the brain tells us, "same old, same old."

To reverse this tendency, discipline yourself to keep paying attention. Be mindful--deliberately aware--of exactly what's going on in this very moment. Today's sexual experience only feels familiar to the brain. You've never had this exact experience before. 

Try out a few of these mindfulness techniques during foreplay or sex:

• Pay attention to your partner's actual voice tone. Track their inflections. You're close enough to feel the vibration when they speak or make an "Mmmm" sound. If you're not, get closer and pay attention to those oscillations. 
• Your partner is emitting energy, actual warmth, at every moment. As you caress them with your hands, as your bodies press together, notice that warmth. Feel exactly what it feels like right now.
• Look--really look--at your partner's body. Sure, you've seen it before, but it is still amazing and beautiful--even miraculous. Some might wonder, "As we age, is it really a good idea to keep attending to what's real now visually? Now we are actually older, typically less fit, and (presumably) less sexy." Not so fast! This is the person with whom you've built a life, weathered hardships, conquered challenges, raised or are raising children, and experienced the majesties and miseries of life. Truly seeing them for who and what they are right now and actually feeling their body can be both a sublime and exciting thing. The longer your shared history, the more their appearance can be infused by the spiritual glow of everything you've shared together.
• Take a minute to focus on how it feels to touch your partner. Stroke their skin more slowly. Notice exactly what it feels like at this very second. Feel its texture passing beneath your hand.
• Brush your lips along their skin. The sensitivity of the lips will heighten the sensations and can deepen your appreciation. 
• Take time to smell your partner. Nuzzle in their neck and breathe deeply. Run your face through their hair and take in the scent. Nothing against soap and perfume or cologne, but there's also a deeper, more inherently personal scent to your spouse. Let it in. Let yourself savor it.
• While you're making love, caress and gently scratch your partner's skin. Switch your attention back and forth between the pleasurable feelings lovemaking creates in your genitals and those you notice when the other parts of your bodies are touched and stimulated. Run your fingers through your partner's hair and scratch their scalp. Tingling and soothing feelings elsewhere in the body can enhance the familiar, seemingly common pleasures we associate with lovemaking.
• Gaze into your partner's eyes and take time to truly see them. Really check out the eyes themselves or look more deeply at the human being behind the eyes. Don't look away too quickly. Settle into some time together--even if it's just a few moments--locking eyes and exchanging energy and connection in that way. Helen Keller claimed that most men don't even know the color of their wife's eyes. What about you? By memory, imagine what colors you'd pick from a palette of paint colors if you were going to paint your spouse's eyes. Then, go look at their eyes and see if there were any colors you missed.

You can experiment with these exercises intensely for a time to develop the discipline of mindfulness if you'd like, but if they become a chore or distraction then take a break from it. Mindfulness doesn't have to continue throughout the whole time you're making love to be helpful. Try using it periodically as a bridge back to the current moment--a gate to the good stuff that's actually going on right now. Sort of like the refresh button on your internet browser. 

You don't have to reserve these experiments for times that are overtly sexual. Try being more mindful when you talk on the phone to your partner (attend to their voice), when you give them a hug (take in their smell), or when you kiss goodbye for the day (linger for a moment and sense the feeling of their lips against yours).

As always, we'd love to hear about your experiences as you work to improve your intimate life.

5 Tips for Rediscovering Sensual Touch

 My husband and I recently took our two youngest children to a concert.  They were situated between us, and I placed my arm behind my daughter across the seat back.  Seconds later, my husband reached out to hold my hand, and the reach was just long enough that our fingers were barely touching.  I had an instant recognition of a moment 27 years earlier when my husband reached out to take my hand for the first time. 

The first time he held my hand was in many ways more sensual than our first kiss.  We had actually developed a platonic friendship for several months before we had any kind of physical contact.  The first time he reached for my hand, I had an instantaneous “butterflies in the stomach,” response, likely heightened from months of delayed touch.

That night at the concert, I noticed that I felt some of the same excitement as the first time he held my hand almost three decades earlier.  Just as I made the association with the earlier memory, my cell phone vibrated.  I looked down to see a text from my husband, sitting two seats away, reading, “Remember the first time we held hands?”  He had felt it, too. 

Affectionate, sensual, non-sexual touch is so powerful in intimate couple relationships, yet it is often one of the first things to go.  Our culture at large places so much emphasis on orgasm as the zenith of physical connection that people almost forget how powerful it can be to connect in other physical ways.  As couples progress in their relationships, physical contact often becomes goal-oriented, where all roads lead to intercourse, removing any of the unpredictability and playfulness that accompanied earlier physical encounters in the relationship.

Couples in therapy often report that they have very limited physical affectionate touch; some even report that they purposely avoid it altogether because they don’t want to invite the possibility of a closer physically intimate relationship which may lead to sex.

For couple relationships which have been exposed to periods of disconnection or betrayals or other hurtful interactions, risking any physical contact may seem insurmountable.  In the words of one client, the thought of engaging in any kind of sexual relationship with her husband seemed, “too hard…like climbing Mt. Everest.”  It was not even something she could imagine. 

If a couple has laid down a foundation of emotional safety in the relationship, which may take longer with individuals who have experienced sexual trauma or abuse, then engaging in non-sexual, sensual touch is often a gateway to developing deeper intimacy.  It helps people have experiences with safe, positive touch, and can actually broaden and expand the possibilities for deeper sensual connection.  It can also help people rediscover the power of intentionality and slowing down in physical encounters.

Here are five ways to rediscover touch in your relationship:

1. Rediscover the art of hand-holding.  Slow down.  Talk about the first time you held hands.  Make this the most sensual hand-holding session you can.  Offer to give each other hand massages.
2. Rediscover the hug.  In a world that is so fast-paced and toxic, a warm embrace can be a very comforting and yet sensual experience.  Notice what happens inside your body when you slow down and embrace your partner.  See if you can synchronize your breathing with your partner’s.
3. Rediscover the kiss.  There have been entire books written about the art of the kiss, with many variations.  Just for fun, you can try a new kind of kiss everyday ….which leads me to my next point.
4. Rediscover the power of play.  Sexuality as a whole is a form of couple play, and couples in general often forget how to play.  Spell words on your partner’s back, give different kinds of massages, look into your partner’s eyes and tell them why you find them attractive, offer to comb your partner’s hair, etc.  There are a myriad of ways to be playful, and in a digital world where information is so readily available, there are resources and ideas everywhere to stimulate creative thought.
5.  Rediscover eye contact.  Whether it’s from across the room or with noses touching, eye contact can be incredibly connecting.  I can often gauge the distress levels of my couples based on their unwillingness to make eye contact with each other…it feels too vulnerable.  If you want to deepen closeness with a partner, slow down and make eye contact.

Overall, the goal of this kind of touch is that it is NOT GOAL-ORIENTED, but it can generate an environment over time which can support a healthy physically intimate relationship.

               

                

Don't Chase Pleasure

Once the flames of passion and pleasure have been ignited, they burn brighter and brighter until they explode into the fireworks of orgasm...

At least that's how you'd assume sex should always proceed if you go by what you see onscreen and read in most popular novels. 

Here's how the story goes: if there's enough desire to start something, it always ramps up and up, never ebbing. According to this persistent media myth, desire is intense and unrelenting, persistent and always building for both partners until they reach the pinnacle, and only then does it wane.

Consumers don't even know they've bought into this outlook because no alternative is ever presented. Ever hear a leading lady say to her lover, "I guess I'm still distracted. Must still be carrying more stress from the day than I realized. Can we just hold each other for a minute before we try any more to turn each other on so my body can catch up with my intentions?"

Does a character in a book ever think to himself, "She's doing what usually works wonders for turning me on. But today I'm just not feeling it. Let me grab her hips, hold her still, and pause the stimulation for a minute. I'll just smile and sigh and look her in the eyes while we take a break, take a breather. Then we'll try this again in a minute... or maybe something else. 

Maybe sequences like these would ruin the narrative flow. But expecting sex to unfold the way it does in fiction creates problems in real life. In the stories we find compelling, the couples are 100% in sync. Everything one does just happens to push the most intense ever, magical, mind-blowing button for the other. 

These stories are pure fantasy. And that may be all the storytellers intend them to be. They're not offered up as true-to-life sex education. The problem is, because sex can be such a highly-charged, personal topic--and one that's held sacred by many consumers of this fiction--a more realistic picture is rarely portrayed elsewhere. Thus fiction becomes the standard against which we unintentionally measure our own experience. That's a setup for anxiety, frustration, and dysfunction.

When Phil starts to feel less stimulated than he expected as he and Margaret are making love, he assumes something's wrong. He panics a bit. Rather than wait and be still for a while and let pleasure come back to him, he goes chasing it. He thrusts harder and harder to see if intensity of stimulation can eclipse the unfortunate blandness he started to feel in the middle of somethings that's "supposed" to be immersive and primal. 

Phil's strategy seems to "work"--the intense thrusting brings on a new surge of breathless gratification. The problem is, he was rewarded for chasing pleasure. He discovers in the future that he has to chase it again, and chase it even harder. 

It gets to the point where Phil thrusts so hard that his penis is almost goes numb by the time he reaches orgasm. The sensations he feels during intercourse aren't all pleasant. There's a sting, a tingling, and then a soreness that sometimes lingers.

This is how many couples, instead of playing together sexually and experimenting and continuing to broaden their repertoire of ways to delight each other sexually... end up confining themselves to certain narrow switch-flipping, button-pushing maximally stimulating routines that reliably bring them to climax. And then even those sometimes stop working.

A young couple wanted to play in the water, so they chased the surf out every time it receded. A mature couple nearby sat serene and blissful on the wet sand. They were thrilled as the waves washed over them, and enjoyed the time in between the waves as an opportunity to relish the gentle breeze caressing their moist skin and the warmth of the sun smiling down on them.

I often work with clients who once had the ability to orgasm, but lost it. In an effort to chase pleasure all the way to climax, they've become masters of maximum stimulation. But intensified pace of rubbing and increased pressure is a losing formula. I often assign them to slow way down and use feather-light touch to drastically reduce the intensity of stimulation. 

It takes time, but the human body and brain do resensitize themselves even after being overwhelmed and desensitized. Pleasure typically returns on it's own terms once we stop chasing it. Suddenly, when they least expect it, lighter touch brings a surprisingly potent dose of pleasure. Or they'll become aroused in the absence of any stimulation at all. What a pleasant surprise!

If you've gotten into the cycle of chasing pleasure as an individual or as a couple, experiment with these principles: 

1. Don't panic when pleasure ebbs. That's the way the sexual response sequence sometimes goes--at least in real life, if not in the movies. Sexual enjoyment doesn't ramp up in a perfectly smooth upward curve. Especially for women, on the way to orgasm there are typically multiple step-wise upswings in pleasure, each followed by mini plateaus or even slight downswings. 

2. Rest. Stop driving for pleasure. Ease back from the push and take a few breaths. Cuddle or lay next to each other or with limbs draped over one another. Make the space and take the time to wait patiently. Let this moment's experience be what it is instead of trying to make it into something you wish it was or think it should be. 

3. Remember that less can be more. What seems like nothing can actually become more than we realize. In a beautiful painting, the space around or between the focal points is not irrelevant, it's part of the beauty. A drawn out pause, a rest in a musical score, builds up power and emotion that gets unleashed once the instruments begin to play again. 

4. Refocus. Attend for a time to what's pleasant instead of what's pleasurable. For instance, it's pleasant that you're here right now spending time with each other. You can still gaze into each other's eyes, feel the warmth of each other's skin. Your partner's voice can be pleasant, as can the opportunity to lay there and relax on the bed together.

5. Trust. Fully expect that the next wave of pleasure will come on its own, although you can't be sure exactly when. You don't have to make it happen. In fact, you can't make it happen, you can only get in its way by trying to make it happen. What you can do is stay engaged with your partner and stay playful and curious. 

6. Enjoy a fresh start. After a time, try touching or moving or stimulating again and see how it feels then. Discover together what happens if we try this now, or that. Don't panic if nothing happens--after all, you're experimenting and exploring. 

7. Accept the outcome. If this process helps the two of you get back into it and have a lovely experience together, wonderful. If one of you reaches orgasm and the other doesn't, that's not the end of the world. If one or both of you fall asleep during the rest period, you were probably exhausted--no wonder pleasure was elusive! If excitement doesn't return in full force after waiting, the experience isn't a failure. It's one adventure that ended without finding a particular hidden treasure. Did you notice the other ones along the way, or just regret the one you missed? Agree with each other to venture out together again soon on another journey, instead of treating the experience as a failure you hope will never be repeated again. 

Over time, if the process rarely or never works to create an enjoyable and mutually fulfilling sexual experience, then call us! The success rate in the treatment of sexual dysfunctions and difficulties is among the highest of all psychological disorders. A dysfunctional sexual relationship is not something you just have to live with. 

Physical Intimacy: The Safe Adventure

            My recent song fix lately is John Legend’s All of Me.  One of my sons had me buy him the piano music so he could learn to play it after he heard it at Legend’s local concert appearance, and I have found myself humming it several times throughout the day.  The lyrics of the emotionally evocative ballad capture what I believe most couples want from each other:  All of me loves all of you, love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections.  Give your all to me, I’ll give my all to you, you’re my end and my beginning, even when I lose I’m winning, ‘cause I give you all of me, and you give me all of you.  The words imply complete security in a relationship.  In a nutshell, we all want to be understood and accepted for who we are, even if we are imperfect, and that kind of safety provides fertile ground for complete intimacy.

            Complete Intimacy

Complete intimacy is a merging of physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy.  Marriage therapist and sex researcher Gina Ogden found that most people see their sexual relationship as one infused with meaning and spirituality, and it is far more than simply physical sexual response.  There is no sex position, toy or technique that will enhance a couple’s sexual relationship if the individuals don't feel accepted and safe enough to want to be close.  The foundation for high quality sex is emotional connection.   In the words of world famous marriage clinician, Dr. Sue Johnson, “Emotional connection creates great sex, and great sex creates deeper emotional connection.  When partners are emotionally accessible, responsive, and engaged, sex becomes intimate play, a safe adventure.  Secure partners feel free and confident to surrender to sensation in each other’s arms, explore and fulfill their sexual needs, and share their deepest joys, longings, and vulnerabilities.  Then, lovemaking is truly making love,” (p. 186).

This kind of accessibility, responsiveness and engagement was illustrated in one couple who had come to therapy initially because the wife had been unable to achieve orgasm with her husband.  Complicating the situation and escalating her anxiety was the fact that she had previously been sexually active, and had been able to achieve orgasm with other men before she got married.  As I questioned her about her sexual history, she broke down sobbing and disclosed that she felt ashamed and embarrassed about her past and that she viewed her husband as somehow better than she was, and that she somehow didn’t deserve to have a good sexual relationship with him.  She was worried that he would figure this out and get rid of her.  When I encouraged her to talk to him directly in session about her fear and shame, her husband responded by saying, “I married you because I loved you.  I knew about your past, and it didn’t matter to me.  I just want you.”  He continued to share that he was having difficult emotions because he worried that he was undesirable to her.  He was afraid his performance was lacking, and that he didn’t have the ability to “turn her on.”  They clearly both had doubts and fears about being accepted by the other person, and when they shared their emotional vulnerabilities and received comfort and compassion from each other, they felt safer.  While I don’t think it’s often helpful to be sexually performance-oriented in therapy, it was no surprise to me when they came back to the next session reporting that she had in fact achieved orgasm, and they felt closer than ever.  By disclosing their mutual fears and uncertainties, they had created the “safe adventure,” of which Sue Johnson wrote, and could experiment with techniques for her to achieve orgasm.

Sex as a Litmus Test

As a couples therapist, I have come to think of sex as something of a litmus test in marriage.  When couples present with “communication problems,” or ongoing cycles of conflict or distance, it is usually only a matter of time before they reveal that their physical intimacy is suffering.  Rarely do I see a couple who report that the sex is “great,” when they aren’t getting along outside the bedroom.  It’s not uncommon for me to hear that the couple isn’t sharing a bed, or hasn’t had any physical intimacy, including physical affection, for months or even years.  On occasion, couples will present with sexual connection difficulties up front, and questioning almost always reveals that one partner doesn’t feel emotionally safe in the hands of their partner. The act of physical intimacy is literally the closest you can allow someone into your personal space, and it becomes very symbolic in marriages.  When the marriage doesn’t feel safe in other areas, it can seem almost dangerous to get that close to a partner. 

Although our culture perpetuates rigid gender stereotypes of a husband wanting sex, regardless of emotional connection, it is my experience that husbands actually usually want the same kind of emotional engagement during physical intimacy that their wives want.  One of the differences is that men are socialized out of identifying and expressing vulnerable emotional need, so often the way they get those needs met is through sexual expression.  In the words of one male client, “If she will have sex with me, I know I’m okay with her, that she still wants me.”  It’s often a way men seek soothing and comfort, when they don’t have the know-how or comfort level to seek closeness in other ways.  In sexless marriages, I observe that men sometimes become seemingly numb to emotional needs, because their only way of gaining some kind of reassurance has been erased, and they emotionally disconnect to keep from feeling rejection.  The emotional disconnection makes the possibility for sex even less likely, because their wives don’t feel emotional responsiveness, and the cycle continues, downward spiral fashion.

When Safety is Threatened

Because acceptance and emotional engagement are so integral to a quality sexual relationship, any perceived criticism can absolutely kill the desire of either partner to get close physically.  In one case, a wife was complaining that her husband didn’t pursue her sexually, and she worried that he was viewing pornography.  He had repeatedly denied pornography use, but explained to me that every time he became intimate with his wife, she began directing him about what and what not to do.  While it’s an excellent idea for couples to dialogue about what they want their physical relationship to be like, and to help each other understand sexual preferences, in this case, the husband felt like he was always “getting it wrong,” and finally gave up wanting to connect at all.  On one occasion, he was having difficulty with performance, and while it’s common for men of a certain age to have some difficulty maintaining an erection due to cardiovascular or other health-related challenges, his wife became very emotional about it, and accused him of viewing pornography.  The situation was very anxiety-provoking and shaming for him, and he became avoidant of further physical contact, unwilling to risk feeling those emotions again.  His wife hadn’t realized she had had such an impact on him, and was blind to the fact that her fear had felt like criticism and blame to him, shutting him down.

The pornography use of a partner can also endanger safety in a sexual relationship.  Women whose husbands have a history of viewing pornography struggle with many barriers to getting physically close.  They worry incessantly that their bodies aren’t matching up to the computer generated images; they worry about the images playing out in their husbands’ minds; they don’t know how to discern normal patterns of sexual behavior and worry that any sexual requests are a result of viewing pornography.  I had one female client concerned that her husband wanted her to wear lingerie.  She didn’t know if this was normal or if it was because he had a history of viewing pornography.  When I told her it was not uncommon for men to respond to visual cues, and that back in 1989 when I started doing couples therapy, before internet pornography was available, there were indeed husbands who had a preference for their wives to wear lingerie, she felt a little more comfortable with the idea.  She did not, however, want to be objectified like the women in pornography, and she a very difficult time engaging in such a physically vulnerable way with someone who had been viewing images of other women.  It took a lot of her emotionally risking sharing her doubts and fears and receiving reassurance from him, while he was also abstaining from pornography use for a while, before she could risk engaging with him sexually.

Amidst the incessant noise surrounding sexuality in our culture, it is more important than ever for spouses to create a safe place.  Like any adventure, you want to know that your partner will be there to catch you if you fall, and sexuality is no exception. 

Questions for couples:

1.        When have you felt safe with your partner?

2.       When have you been able to be vulnerable with your partner?

3.       What does your partner not understand about what sometimes makes it difficult to engage sexually?

4.       What would safety with your partner look like?

References:

Johnson, Sue (2008).  Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, New York: Little, Brown & Company.

Ogden, Gina (2013).  Expanding the Practice of Sex Therapy: An Integrative Model for Exploring Desire and Intimacy, New York: Routledge.