“Have you ever had a
discussion about what sexuality means to you or what you want your sexual
relationship to look like?” I have asked
this question countless times as a couples' therapist, and it might be surprising
to find out that I can’t ever remember a couple answering, “yes.” It doesn’t even occur to most couples to have
these types of discussions. Often, people
assume that sexuality will just be intuitive and they shouldn’t have to discuss
it. Others have just never felt safe
discussing such a “taboo,” topic and haven’t even considered it.
Our
culture is so bombarded with information about sex that it can seem almost
counter-intuitive to encourage more conversation about it. The problem is that the voices and images
that scream the loudest contain messages that are completely contrary to the
principles for quality monogamous sex.
There is an emphasis on techniques, toys, and novelty, which in a safe
sexual environment can sometimes be used in ways to enhance the relationship,
but the reality is that these things will do little to help a couple feel
connected in an integrated way. Sexuality is
rich with meaning for people and colored with beliefs, history and
experiences. Far too often, it is associated with earlier trauma and shame. It is imperative to learn
how to talk about it within a couple context.
As a first step in improving physical intimacy, couples
can begin dialoguing to understand their partner’s views and meanings about
sexuality. Here are 5 questions to start
the conversation:
1.
When I hear the word, “sex,” I…………..
2.
The messages I got about sex growing up
were……………
3.
The messages I get about sex now
are……………
4.
Something that I think would improve our
sexual relationship would be………….
5.
Something that would help me feel safer
in our sexual relationship would be…………
If you take the five question challenge, we would love to hear back from you about how it went, if it was beneficial and what you learned.
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