At least that's how you'd assume sex should always proceed if you go by what you see onscreen and read in most popular novels.
Here's how the story goes: if there's enough desire to start something, it always ramps up and up, never ebbing. According to this persistent media myth, desire is intense and unrelenting, persistent and always building for both partners until they reach the pinnacle, and only then does it wane.
Consumers don't even know they've bought into this outlook because no alternative is ever presented. Ever hear a leading lady say to her lover, "I guess I'm still distracted. Must still be carrying more stress from the day than I realized. Can we just hold each other for a minute before we try any more to turn each other on so my body can catch up with my intentions?"
Does a character in a book ever think to himself, "She's doing what usually works wonders for turning me on. But today I'm just not feeling it. Let me grab her hips, hold her still, and pause the stimulation for a minute. I'll just smile and sigh and look her in the eyes while we take a break, take a breather. Then we'll try this again in a minute... or maybe something else.
Maybe sequences like these would ruin the narrative flow. But expecting sex to unfold the way it does in fiction creates problems in real life. In the stories we find compelling, the couples are 100% in sync. Everything one does just happens to push the most intense ever, magical, mind-blowing button for the other.
These stories are pure fantasy. And that may be all the storytellers intend them to be. They're not offered up as true-to-life sex education. The problem is, because sex can be such a highly-charged, personal topic--and one that's held sacred by many consumers of this fiction--a more realistic picture is rarely portrayed elsewhere. Thus fiction becomes the standard against which we unintentionally measure our own experience. That's a setup for anxiety, frustration, and dysfunction.
When Phil starts to feel less stimulated than he expected as he and Margaret are making love, he assumes something's wrong. He panics a bit. Rather than wait and be still for a while and let pleasure come back to him, he goes chasing it. He thrusts harder and harder to see if intensity of stimulation can eclipse the unfortunate blandness he started to feel in the middle of somethings that's "supposed" to be immersive and primal.
Phil's strategy seems to "work"--the intense thrusting brings on a new surge of breathless gratification. The problem is, he was rewarded for chasing pleasure. He discovers in the future that he has to chase it again, and chase it even harder.
It gets to the point where Phil thrusts so hard that his penis is almost goes numb by the time he reaches orgasm. The sensations he feels during intercourse aren't all pleasant. There's a sting, a tingling, and then a soreness that sometimes lingers.
This is how many couples, instead of playing together sexually and experimenting and continuing to broaden their repertoire of ways to delight each other sexually... end up confining themselves to certain narrow switch-flipping, button-pushing maximally stimulating routines that reliably bring them to climax. And then even those sometimes stop working.
This is how many couples, instead of playing together sexually and experimenting and continuing to broaden their repertoire of ways to delight each other sexually... end up confining themselves to certain narrow switch-flipping, button-pushing maximally stimulating routines that reliably bring them to climax. And then even those sometimes stop working.
A young couple wanted to play in the water, so they chased the surf out every time it receded. A mature couple nearby sat serene and blissful on the wet sand. They were thrilled as the waves washed over them, and enjoyed the time in between the waves as an opportunity to relish the gentle breeze caressing their moist skin and the warmth of the sun smiling down on them.
I often work with clients who once had the ability to orgasm, but lost it. In an effort to chase pleasure all the way to climax, they've become masters of maximum stimulation. But intensified pace of rubbing and increased pressure is a losing formula. I often assign them to slow way down and use feather-light touch to drastically reduce the intensity of stimulation.
It takes time, but the human body and brain do resensitize themselves even after being overwhelmed and desensitized. Pleasure typically returns on it's own terms once we stop chasing it. Suddenly, when they least expect it, lighter touch brings a surprisingly potent dose of pleasure. Or they'll become aroused in the absence of any stimulation at all. What a pleasant surprise!
If you've gotten into the cycle of chasing pleasure as an individual or as a couple, experiment with these principles:
1. Don't panic when pleasure ebbs. That's the way the sexual response sequence sometimes goes--at least in real life, if not in the movies. Sexual enjoyment doesn't ramp up in a perfectly smooth upward curve. Especially for women, on the way to orgasm there are typically multiple step-wise upswings in pleasure, each followed by mini plateaus or even slight downswings.
2. Rest. Stop driving for pleasure. Ease back from the push and take a few breaths. Cuddle or lay next to each other or with limbs draped over one another. Make the space and take the time to wait patiently. Let this moment's experience be what it is instead of trying to make it into something you wish it was or think it should be.
3. Remember that less can be more. What seems like nothing can actually become more than we realize. In a beautiful painting, the space around or between the focal points is not irrelevant, it's part of the beauty. A drawn out pause, a rest in a musical score, builds up power and emotion that gets unleashed once the instruments begin to play again.
4. Refocus. Attend for a time to what's pleasant instead of what's pleasurable. For instance, it's pleasant that you're here right now spending time with each other. You can still gaze into each other's eyes, feel the warmth of each other's skin. Your partner's voice can be pleasant, as can the opportunity to lay there and relax on the bed together.
5. Trust. Fully expect that the next wave of pleasure will come on its own, although you can't be sure exactly when. You don't have to make it happen. In fact, you can't make it happen, you can only get in its way by trying to make it happen. What you can do is stay engaged with your partner and stay playful and curious.
6. Enjoy a fresh start. After a time, try touching or moving or stimulating again and see how it feels then. Discover together what happens if we try this now, or that. Don't panic if nothing happens--after all, you're experimenting and exploring.
7. Accept the outcome. If this process helps the two of you get back into it and have a lovely experience together, wonderful. If one of you reaches orgasm and the other doesn't, that's not the end of the world. If one or both of you fall asleep during the rest period, you were probably exhausted--no wonder pleasure was elusive! If excitement doesn't return in full force after waiting, the experience isn't a failure. It's one adventure that ended without finding a particular hidden treasure. Did you notice the other ones along the way, or just regret the one you missed? Agree with each other to venture out together again soon on another journey, instead of treating the experience as a failure you hope will never be repeated again.
Over time, if the process rarely or never works to create an enjoyable and mutually fulfilling sexual experience, then call us! The success rate in the treatment of sexual dysfunctions and difficulties is among the highest of all psychological disorders. A dysfunctional sexual relationship is not something you just have to live with.
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