Enjoyable sex is harder to achieve in a long-term monogamous relationship. Early on, infatuation is still helping fuel the intensity. Over time, the intrigue that drew you together is gradually fades into familiarity. Wanting is replaced by having. As we get more and more accustomed to each other, passion can diminish.
We're experiencing the natural process of habituation, which is defined as "a decrease in the strength of a naturally elicited behavior that occurs through repeated presentations of the eliciting stimulus."
We get used to each other. As Todd Pipes' sang in that old song, "Breakfast at Tiffany's," "I see you, the only one who knew me, but now your eyes see through me."
The same process occurs in many areas of life: We try out a new restaurant instead of our favorite for a change. The song that once gave us goosebumps gets dropped from our playlist in favor of a fresh one. Novelty keeps reminding us we're alive and the world can still be invigorating.
Even though habituation is a natural process, fortunately, lovers who choose lifelong monogamy are not doomed to boredom. The discipline of mindfulness can help us override familiarity. As Marcel Proust said, "Mystery is not about traveling to new places, but looking with new eyes." And, we might add (even though it's not as poetic) smelling with new noses, touching with new fingers, tasting with new tongues.
Since today's sexual experience feels familiar to the brain, it stops registering what's real now and registers something else in it's place: our former familiar experiences. Yawn, "Here we go again," the brain tells us, "same old, same old."
To reverse this tendency, discipline yourself to keep paying attention. Be mindful--deliberately aware--of exactly what's going on in this very moment. Today's sexual experience only feels familiar to the brain. You've never had this exact experience before.
Try out a few of these mindfulness techniques during foreplay or sex:
- Pay attention to your partner's actual voice tone. Track their inflections. You're close enough to feel the vibration when they speak or make an "Mmmm" sound. If you're not, get closer and pay attention to those oscillations.
- Your partner is emitting energy, actual warmth, at every moment. As you caress them with your hands, as your bodies press together, notice that warmth. Feel exactly what it feels like right now.
- Look--really look--at your partner's body. Sure, you've seen it before, but it is still amazing and beautiful--even miraculous. Some might wonder, "As we age, is it really a good idea to keep attending to what's real now visually? Now we are actually older, typically less fit, and (presumably) less sexy." Not so fast! This is the person with whom you've built a life, weathered hardships, conquered challenges, raised or are raising children, and experienced the majesties and miseries of life. Truly seeing them for who and what they are right now and actually feeling their body can be both a sublime and exciting thing. The longer your shared history, the more their appearance can be infused by the spiritual glow of everything you've shared together.
- Take a minute to focus on how it feels to touch your partner. Stroke their skin more slowly. Notice exactly what it feels like at this very second. Feel its texture passing beneath your hand.
- Brush your lips along their skin. The sensitivity of the lips will heighten the sensations and can deepen your appreciation.
- Take time to smell your partner. Nuzzle in their neck and breathe deeply. Run your face through their hair and take in the scent. Nothing against soap and perfume or cologne, but there's also a deeper, more inherently personal scent to your spouse. Let it in. Let yourself savor it.
- While you're making love, caress and gently scratch your partner's skin. Switch your attention back and forth between the pleasurable feelings lovemaking creates in your genitals and those you notice when the other parts of your bodies are touched and stimulated. Run your fingers through your partner's hair and scratch their scalp. Tingling and soothing feelings elsewhere in the body can enhance the familiar, seemingly common pleasures we associate with lovemaking.
- Gaze into your partner's eyes and take time to truly see them. Really check out the eyes themselves or look more deeply at the human being behind the eyes. Don't look away too quickly. Settle into some time together--even if it's just a few moments--locking eyes and exchanging energy and connection in that way. Helen Keller claimed that most men don't even know the color of their wife's eyes. What about you? By memory, imagine what colors you'd pick from a palette of paint colors if you were going to paint your spouse's eyes. Then, go look at their eyes and see if there were any colors you missed.
You can experiment with these exercises intensely for a time to develop the discipline of mindfulness if you'd like, but if they become a chore or distraction then take a break from it. Mindfulness doesn't have to continue throughout the whole time you're making love to be helpful. Try using it periodically as a bridge back to the current moment--a gate to the good stuff that's actually going on right now. Sort of like the refresh button on your internet browser.
You don't have to reserve these experiments for times that are overtly sexual. Try being more mindful when you talk on the phone to your partner (attend to their voice), when you give them a hug (take in their smell), or when you kiss goodbye for the day (linger for a moment and sense the feeling of their lips against yours).
As always, we'd love to hear about your experiences as you work to improve your intimate life.
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